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LESSONS LEARNED FROM MY FIFTH ATTEMPT TO CONQUER THE WORLD
by Jason Andrew
Post-Mortem Report from Herr Dokktor Funktastic, Lord of the Living Funk
Audience: Ravenswood Academy of Skullduggery & Villainy, Board of Directors
Subject: Operation Bring On The Funk
“Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” –Goethe
What went well and should be repeated in future projects?
- Super Simian Henchmen (batch #12) tested very positive in the following categories: obedience, intimidation, and physicality, and surprisingly high in terms of general likeability within the human population, as compared to the mutated Ant Reapers from attempt #4.
People simply love monkeys in uniforms.Humans are seemed biologically wired to respond positively to simian facial expressions and the current case study suggests that (despite the plots of several movies)most humans would willingly accept simian overlords, as long as they wore smart uniforms.
- YouTube video clips of the Devastator crying quickly went viral with an estimated one million views by the time of the invasion. Public opinion quickly turned against him as soon as the video was turned into a Meme called Things That Devastate the Devastator. Full credit should go to Julius Seizure. (Links Attached)
- I highly recommend this technique be utilized against other heroes. Current intelligence suggests that the Devastator has quit the business and is now an auto mechanic in Fresno. Proper propaganda techniques might encourage an early interest in villainy with the youth population. Children are the future, which is why we should begin brainwashing early.
What was on a good path and should be improved in the future?
- Future Super Simian Henchmen uniforms should be fashion-forward rather than retro.
Avoid equipping them with fezzes and bow ties.Suggest allocating additional funds for proper fashion designers. Recommendation: kidnap Tim Gunn. He can make anything work. The fashion blogs suggest that fashion for next few years will be influenced by the 1920s and we should be ready.
- Robot Ben Franklin performed admirably in several combat scenarios. His lightning strikes and situational strategic awareness combined to an amazing level, allowing him to defeat the combined effort of the Canadian Defense League, the Majestic Twelve, and the Star-Spangled Butt Kickers. Despite the successful combat scenarios during the actual invasion, design flaws caused a number of issues during the occupation.
- Robot Ben Franklin talked almost exclusively in modified quotes from Poor Richard’s Almanac. Staying consistent inside a set theme is important for any villain worthy of the name, but there needs to be a hard limit to avoid stepping over the farce line and annoying the population with puns. “Those who are feared are hated. This is why everyone loves you.”
While I believe that Julius Seizure should be punished, I can hardly blame him for losing his temper. I speculate that Robot Ben Franklin suffered from a viral attack that corrupted his data files and causes a number of irrational behaviors.
i.e., “Does Poor Richard need to whoop your ass?”
- Robot Ben Franklin had an error in his artificial cerebral cortex that caused an unhealthy addiction to strip clubs.
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be, here is a twenty, hop onto me!”A proper villain, even an artificial one, should have hobbies, but they shouldn’t override common-sense. This weakness allowed the Bombinatrix to distract our main weapon during a critical counterattack. I recommend that next time we curtail Robot Ben Franklin’s libido, if only to avoid potential liability issues.
What went wrong and should be avoided in future projects?
- Bonobo simian DNA should be removed from future cloning projects due to low aggression threshold. It was believed that the Bonobo DNA would inject a good empathy element into the henchmen psyche that would encourage teamwork. Sadly, the Bonobo instinctual method of resolving conflict runs counter to desired results.
People simply don’t love monkeys in uniform that much. Correction: Some people DO love monkeys in uniform that much, but it’s just too creepy to intimidate the mass population.We believe the incident with Bull Toro solidified the public’s support for the superhero insurrection.
- Statistics show that a majority of the population strongly disapproves of killing the loved ones of heroes and that this only increases their public pathos rating. Despite what you might think, it does NOT help them see an alternative point of view or teach them a lesson.
- Recommend the Julius Seizure method. It is very difficult for a hero to look you directly in the eyes after you have had consensual sexual intercourse with one of his or her parental figures. (Links Attached. Reference: Things That Devastate the Devastator.)
- Robotic Ben Franklin drafted a proposal that we allow the conquered population to electronically vote on potential executions. Evidence suggests that the majority of the targets would either be from Hollywood or Washington D.C and thus would be quite easily to contain. (See Figures attached)
- Vanity is often the main weakness of a genius. Sadly, Herr Dokktor Funktastic is not an exception to this conceit. Despite my self-hypnosis, years of aversion therapy, and a botched corrective surgery, I simply can’t resist my attraction to Maelstrom. Of course, she is not averse to taking advantage of my intense feelings when she feels it is required.
- In general,
Womenproper ladies are not attracted to world conquerors. Most of the women who suddenly find you attractive after you own the world merely want you give them a peace of it, even if it is only Canada. Recommend that we start a socializing program that encourages stabilizing relationships before plans to conquer the world are implemented.
- Villain Groupies are perhaps better left for the henchmen since they tend to have a more limited lifespan. Many of them have a Medea complex, wanting to punish their men for the slightest insult and then craving the proper punishment. In short, they always betray you to a hero.
I fear that ultimately it was a combination of unforeseen circumstances and personal weaknesses that allowed for defeat. The superheroes didn’t defeat us, we defeated ourselves—spectacularly. With therapy, the suggested improvements in this report, and the new batch of Bee Babes from Brooklyn, I am fully confident that next time, we will prevail.
Herr Dokktor Funktastic
Lord of the Living Funk
Jason Andrew lives in Seattle, Washington with his wife Lisa. He is an Associate member of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America, Active Member of the Horror Writer’s Association, and member of the International Association of Media Tie-In Writers.
By day, he works as a mild-mannered technical writer. By night, he writes stories of the fantastic and occasionally fights crime. As a child, Jason spent his Saturdays watching the Creature Feature classics and furiously scribbling down stories. His first short story, written at age six, titled ‘The Wolfman Eats Perry Mason’ was severely rejected. It also caused his Grandmother to watch him very closely for a few years.
His short fiction has appeared in markets such as Shine: An Anthology of Optimistic SF (Harper Collins), Frontier Cthulhu: Ancient Horrors in the New World (Chaosium), and IN SITU (Dagan Books). In 2011, his story “Moonlight in Scarlet” received an honorable mention in Ellen Datlow’s List for Best Horror of the Year.
In addition, Jason has written for a number of role-playing games such as Call of Cthulhu, Shadowrun, and Vampire: The Masquerade. His most recent projects include Hunters Hunted 2 (The Onyx Path), Anarchs Unbound (The Onyx Path), and Atomic Age Cthulhu: Terrifying Tales of the Mythos Menace (Chaosium). He currently holds the position of Developer for the Mind’s Eye Theatre line published through By Night Studios.
Jason can be contacted through his website, jasonbandrew.com.