Badger & Vole Review: Nothing

 

B: So, do you feel like reviewing World War Z?

V: Nah. You?

B: No.

I mean, Brad Pitt. Zombies. Based on the novel by Max Brooks. Either you love one or more of those things and were lining up to see it on opening weekend, or else you don’t, didn’t, and couldn’t care less.

For me, zombie movies rarely contain any surprises and always fall into one of a very few categories: slow zombies and downer “everyone dies” endings, as in the original Night of the Living Dead and its many spinoffs and sequels; fast zombies and downer “everyone dies” endings, as in 28 Days Later and its many sequels and imitators; and movies that are actually interesting and fun to watch, as in Shaun of the Dead and—well, Shaun of the Dead.

This is a fast zombie movie. With Brad Pitt. If that’s your thing, go for it. Have a great time. Me, I’m looking forward to—

V: The Lone Ranger. That’s my next movie.

B: I was going to say, Despicable Me 2.

V: I agree, I thought that one was cute. And yes, the sequel looks interesting, too.

B: We bought the Blu-Ray of Despicable Me and watched it again last weekend. I think it’s a worthy addition to the permanent collection. My only complaint is that it’s one of those Universal discs with BD-Live, that has to phone home and spend fifteen minutes downloading additional content before you can actually play the frickin’ movie for the first time. What an enormous pain in the ass.

V: I wonder how many people are getting turned off to Blu-Ray by that? If you buy a disc and still have to wait for content to download, why not go straight to Netflix?

B: And Hollywood wonders why DVD and Blu-Ray sales are dying. <shrug />

So, The Lone Ranger, I’m definitely on-board for that one. Despicable Me 2, ditto. What else looks good this summer?

V: Pacific Rim?

B: Oh yeah. Giant robots vs. city-stomping kaiju? Directed by Guillermo del Toro? What’s not to like about this one? I’ll be there with a giant bucket of popcorn.

V: R.I.P.D.?

B: Oh no, not another undead cop buddy story. Even if it does star Jeff Bridges and Kevin Bacon, I’m worried about it.

V: The Wolverine?

B: Is he still around? Aren’t his fifteen minutes over yet?

V: Elysium?

B: Wait, first I want to stick in a plug for 2 Guns. This looks like the sort of wonderful, stupid, violent action/comedy good cop/bad cop buddy picture that...well, the important thing is that it stars Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg, and the difference is that in this one, Denzel gets to wear the hat.

Okay, Elysium. Looks promising, even if it does star Matt Damon and Jodie Foster. But the more I look at it, the more it looks like a live-action version of some anime epic I watched twenty years ago. Can’t remember the name of it at the moment.

V: Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters?

B: Meh.

V: Planes?

B: Only for hyperactive 6-year-olds who really wish Disney would make more Cars movies.

V: Kick-Ass 2?

B: Pass.

V: Paranoia?

B: Good cast. Plot looks it’s been recycled from the ground-up and composted scripts of a dozen other movies. Which makes me surprised that Roland Emmerich doesn’t seem to be involved.

V: Jobs?

B: No, no, no, no! I know people who knew Steve Jobs. The last thing I want to watch is a hagiography about him. Especially one starring Ashton Kutcher.

V: The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones?

B: Only for people who are sad that the Twilight and Harry Potter movie series are over, and moreso Twilight.

V: Okay, let’s cut to the chase. Is there anything coming out in August that you’re actually looking forward to seeing?

B: Yes, The World's End, debuting August 23.

V: That one starring Rosamund Pike, Martin Freeman, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost? Script by Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright? Directed by Edgar Wright?

B: Pretty much the same crew who gave us Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and your personal pick for the most brilliant but overlooked movie of 2011, Paul?

V: As if I didn’t know that already. Yeah, I’ll be there.

B: Big bucket of popcorn? Feet up on the back of the seat in front of you? Primed and ready to laugh?

V: You got it.

B: Sounds good. Save me a seat.

So, I suppose we should finish up that Man of Steel review one of these days.

V: We should. We were nearly done.

B: And then what? Save it and run it in time for the DVD release?

V: Or retcon it into Issue #2. Or both. That’s the beauty of a webzine. Once we finish this review—

B: Which as I recall, was beginning to approach novelette length—

V: —we can use it over and over again.

B: Spoken like a true comic-book genius.

V: Thank you.

B: And that wraps it up for this week's edition! Join us next week, when we review...

V: Either Despicable Me 2 or The Lone Ranger.

B: Or maybe both! You never can tell, with us.

V: Heck. We never can tell either, until after we’ve done it.

 

 

Badger was once an award-winning SF novelist, until his involvement with a legendary multimillion-dollar Hollywood bomb destroyed his writing career. Vole was once a million-copy-selling comic-book writer, until he regained his sanity. Today, they’re just two old guys who like to watch movies, eat popcorn, and kvetch. Oh boy, do they kvetch.

Despite his mild-mannered appearance, Vole will always be known around here as the man who wrote the brilliantly funny but hopelessly unpublishable comic-book script, "Bruce Wayne's and Lex Luthor's Ex-Girlfriends Meet and Compare Notes," which introduced the now legendary "Crotchless Batgirl Costume."